How Do I Know If It Is All Worth IT?

I work hard most days, not necessarily on one thing but many things:

Parenting my children.

Taking Care of my body

Working in the yard and semi-gardening. I try…

Keeping the house organized, decorated, semi-clean (or just not disgusting or grouse).

Planning birthdays, holiday events, vacations, most gatherings with friends, and an occasional date night.

I also have a full-time job, a part-time job, and homeschool 2 out of the 3 children.

Keeping up with the one kid’s school activities, schedule, pick-up/drop-off times.

All of the children play sports, piano, and other extra-curricular activities, which I coordinate their schedules and communication with coaches & instructors.

Managing our finances and paying most of the bills.

I help with cats, the dog, the chickens, and I save Earth worms from becoming a statue like stick on the hot concrete. I really do not understand how they wiggle their way onto the pavement, or why.

And I am a daughter, sister, wife, and have a handful of friends.

Oh, I try not to drink too much, curse a lot, eat a significant amount of sugar, binge on TV, waste time on social media, spend money buying stupid things, and doing any other nasty habit.

My husband is kind and supportive. He cooks and will do most of the things I ask him to. However, while I’m trying to work from home and homeschool the children, he goes to his 8-5 and proceeds to meet me or pick up/drop off one of the kids to their designated destination.

Our lives feel catapulted into something I don’t even recognize at times. I wonder if this mountain I’m climbing was every mine to begin with. Looking down at how far I’ve come… I’ve worked so hard, for what, for who?

I feel stuck in my life. Not knowing if the stuckness provides consistency, peace, and contentment or is the stillness making me question every life decision and who I am as a wife, mother, and person.

Not only do I feel stuck, but I am scared. I am afraid to do anything different than what I’ve already done.

Even though my mom would refer to me as a non-rule follower, someone who pushes the envelope a little too hard some days, and questions everyone – I am afraid of transformation from what I am right now. I do not feel safe in my life, but I know that I am.

All of my basic needs are met. I have a good job or jobs. My family loves me; my husband loves me. My children are healthy, smart, and sweet. Why do I have any inclining or yearning to do more with my life or something different with my life that is not already in existence?

I would never exchange my husband for another, not sure another man would put up with me and my high expectations of the heart. My children are forever an imprint in my life. I tell them that if God lined up all the children in the world, I would have picked them.

Maybe it stops there. Everything else could go.

The other day I was pressure-washing the driveway. We have lived in this house for almost eight years, and the driveway had collected years of dirt, grime, paint, and stains. I started out with one square of the driveway where we park our cars. There was something delightful and invigorating about watching the dirt be blasted away with the force of the water. I moved the wand back and forth picking away at the black and brown line that now butted up to the white clean surface of the concrete. It was satisfying. I wanted to do it more and more. Even my oldest son saw how happy I was making something look new again as if those years of ugliness never even existed.

Yes, it is the same old concrete with cracks and few gaps in the corners where the concrete has broken off. But it looks fresh, clean, and new.

I wish I could pressure-wash my life. I wish I could wash away all the ugly places, the past dirt, the pain, even some of the memories, and make it look pretty again. Yes, it would still be my life, the foundation and core would not change – maybe a little rusty, but the same. However, my life would feel new again and ready for the next adventures to come.

I don’t know if my efforts, my hard work are worth it. I do know there are 4 people I would keep in my life if I were to wipe it clean.